
A close friend’s mom passed away last week, and as our medium-sized group of high school friends saw each other again during the wake, I couldn’t help but think about the kind of friendships we have in our lives.
I realized that being the anti-social type, I don’t have a lot of friends, as most of the people I’ve been finding myself with these days, have been from way back, with the high school boys having made a strange comeback in terms of closeness in recent years.
I’ve stopped denying that I’m growing old, having been inducted into the tito demographic for some time now. As a verified tito, you’ve been through enough to realize that as we go through life, we pick up different groups of friends. There are those from high school, college, work, hobbies or sports, church, or if you are really friendly, the random relationships that just form from out of the blue.
No matter how hard we try (or not) we cannot help but make friends from those different stages of life, and while some stick around for life, others pleasantly drift in and out, and others just fade away only to suddenly surprise you just randomly see them at the grocery for a quick hi-hello chitchat. Other people, who have a propensity for drama, tend to make enemies along the way as well, which is something I have managed to avoid so far.
Aside from friends-friends, some of us are fortunate to have constants who have been there since pre-puberty. I have at least two such friends that I know, as long as we don’t mess up too badly, will probably be there for the rest of my life. My guys have been in my life since grade school. Both their dads were principal sponsors when I got married and we are godfathers to each other’s kids, whether we actually regularly give presents or not. Aside from our secrets and nuances, we also know each other’s parents and siblings.
One of my friends, I have been inside all his bedrooms, from when we were in high school, up to his dorm room in college, and even when both of us were already married and with kids. That is kind of weird, if you come to think of it, but can also be a pretty telling sign of how old and deep a friendship goes.
We have drifted in and out of each other’s lives, sometimes not seeing each other for years, but when we get back together, it’s like no time has passed, and we can still spend hours enjoying each others’ company. Now that we’ve grown older and settled down, I have noticed that I’m seeing my older friends more, thanks to one of us always open to hosting impromptu gatherings at his home every now and then. It’s an easy, low-maintenance, long-term friendship, but it does take a bit of effort to keep it going.
Old friendships are where the sunk cost fallacy can work against us, because it is very difficult to turn your back on a no-stress relationship that has lasted so long. The great thing about these kinds of old friends is that we don’t really have anything to fight over since we are all kind of anti-social, don’t lend or owe each other money, and never needed to go into pissing contests over who earns more or who has the most expensive watch or flashiest car. Those kinds of relationships are tough to lose or turn your back on, especially after you have gone through years without drama. Hopefully that option of having to turn my back on them for some dreadful reason or another never has to come up.
Having been fortunate to have these kinds of lifelong friends has often made me wonder if my kids can be blessed with the same kinds of relationships, such things take a lot of luck, or even magic, to happen. When you are as dumb and innocent as a high schooler, finding someone who it turns out can be a friend for life is like hitting the lottery. After that, you guys have to go through all the stages of life, together or separately, all while somehow remaining the same no-stress friends that you have been, growing in understanding and wisdom together. That is not something that happens to everyone, and is something that someone could easily fail at, even if they tried their hardest to keep it going, simply because life happens and such is life.
The funny thing about friendships is that quality and quantity, in terms of the number of friends and the time spent together, is relative. While some people can have friends from childhood, others can still have great relationships and form deep bonds with relatively new friends. What is important is that we recognize who those friends that are worth keeping are, because we won’t get many chances to choose good ones in this lifetime.*